i can hardly stand the fun

Carnival Cruise Line's slogan is "FUN FOR ALL. ALL FOR FUN." And man, they are not kidding. Fun is something of a relentless priority on board the cruise ships. If you aren't having fun at one of the twelve different and exciting activities happening every half an hour, you can be having fun splashing in the on-deck pools and hot tubs, or you can have fun out in the sun in any one of six thousand deck chairs (except that every single guest on that ship seemed to think it was okay to reserve ten chairs with towels or hats or diapers or whatever on the off chance that their friends or relatives might show up and want to absorb some UV rays). You can also have fun while you eat, and fun in your stateroom with your towels that are cunningly folded into animal shapes, and hey, are you taking a dump in your tiny but compact and well-appointed bathroom? Isn't that fun???


It sounds like I'm complaining about all this fun, but I don't mean to. Really, I enjoyed having lots of events to choose from throughout the day. And it's not like any of this fun was mandatory. Basically, every night when you came back from dinner, the housekeeping crew had already gone through and tidied your room and made the beds (which was kind of weird, but nice), and had left the schedule for the following day. The schedule would look something like this:

9:30am:
Abs Class: Tighten That Tummy, and Then Let's Go Get Some Curly Fries
Power Yoga With Someone Annoyingly Chipper
SPA SPECIAL: BUY STUFF FROM THE SPA. IT ALL SMELLS LIKE CANDY.


10 am:
Early Drinkin' at the Atrium Bar
Let's Talk Relationships With Someone Annoyingly Chipper
FUN SHOPS SPECIAL: BUY A LOT OF ALCOHOL AND/OR JEWELRY


...and so on throughout the morning. Then in the afternoon, things would start to liven up a little more.

1:30pm
Men's Hairy Chest Competition
Sports Trivia
Name That Tune From the Seventies that You've Never Heard Until Just Now
Unnecessarily Complicated Swimming Challenge


2pm
BINGO: BUY BINGO CARDS AND, FOR A MOMENT, FEEL AS IF YOU MIGHT WIN
Afternoon Drinkin' at the Lido Bar
TV Trivia
Boggle Your Mind Trivia
Trivia Trivia


2:30 pm
Aren't You Tired Yet?




So basically, throughout the afternoon, the staff (and by the way, every member of the staff was friendly and clearly worked very hard. I'll say that now) worked tirelessly to completely overstimulate everyone and keep them supplied with exorbitantly priced cocktails so that by dinnertime everyone was drifting in a pleasant haze of booze and contentment. I'll talk more about the food on board in another post--believe me, I'm going to milk this vacation for every posting opportunity possible.

After dinner, there were more activities of a similar nature--more trivia, "game shows," karaoke, but as the evening progressed, the events became more adult-friendly, so that by the end of the night, it was mostly bingo and raunchy stand-up comedy. There was also a big theatrical show every night--again, a post for another day. I'm going to have to spread this out, otherwise I'll be sick of talking about it, and you'll be sick of hearing it.

Anyway, usually by about ten o'clock, we were all so tired and sunburned that we conked out right away. One of my very favorite things was feeling the engines rumbling through the floor and the ocean rocking the ship as I fell asleep. I slept well every single night. I think this is a clear sign that I require a vibrating bed. Do they make those any more? Or was that something exclusive to sketchy roadside motels in the mid-70s?

Something to ponder, anyway.